Death is expected, but I don’t think we’re ever prepared to hear about a loss of a loved one, especially when they have decided to take their own life.

My brother was 23 years old when he decided to put a gun to his head and leave this world.

Just a couple hours before he decided to end his life, he called me. I hit decline. I figured I would just call him later because I didn’t have the “time.” He even left a voicemail that I had decided to hold off listening to. The problem is, we think we have all this time. Putting off important people or things, expecting to have time for it later. The next five minutes are not guaranteed. It is so vital that we live accordingly. Time is the most valuable thing we have and the most valuable thing we can give to someone else. Time is all we have until it’s gone!

It was odd because I remember feeling nothing as my mom was crying, trying to speak to me as she choked on her words. Anthony is gone. I went into complete shock. What do you mean? How? He JUST called me! I didn’t feel anything for months. Not just for my brother, but for anything in my life. I went numb. I remember trying to force myself to cry because I hated myself for not having any emotion. Grieving his death has been a long and lonely process. To this day, I am still processing and grieving the loss of my little brother.

Suicide is one of the hardest deaths to grieve. It is sudden, unexpected and sometimes violent. It is a murder of oneself. Suicide survivors experience a loss like no other. It is complex and traumatic. There are so many mixed emotions, guilt and questions. The suicide of a loved one is so shocking and deeply disturbing it can trigger a condition known as complicated grief—where the sorrow and pain of your loss remain unresolved and doesn’t ease up over time. I still watch my mother suffer from this complicated grief. For me, there was so much confusion, blame and guilt. He didn’t leave us a note so I am left there in desperate need of answers that one day, I finally had to accept, I would never receive. And trying to fill in the blanks on your own, will only lead you into further shame, guilt, and depression. But what if I had answered his call? Would it had made a difference? If only….. If only….. While on the outside I have looked put together enough to think his death didn’t affect me badly, or that I haven’t grieved, this couldn’t be further from the truth. Surviving siblings are often called the “forgotten mourners.” Why? Because siblings are typically overlooked when grieving, the focus tends to be on the parents, kids or spouse left behind. I was told over and over to be “strong” for my mom. So I did. Mourning the loss of my brother alone in the shadows of my parents’ grief. Sibling suffering is intense but invisible.

His cause of death is listed as gunshot wound to his head on his death certificate. I say Anthony suffered from a disease that eventually killed him. Depression. This is why talking about mental health matters! When someone asks how you are, its okay to say you’re NOT okay. It’s okay to have a moment of weakness. Actually, let’s change that and call it a moment of strength. In reality, that is what is really is. It takes strength to be vulnerable and authentically express how you feel.

Before Anthony’s passing,  I used to think people could just get “over” their depression with positive thinking.  I felt people who were depressed created that for themselves and they just needed to SNAP out of it. The year before my brother died, Chargers football player, Junior Seau committed suicide. I posted on Facebook that he was a selfish person and that I had no sympathy for him or anyone who commits suicide. Less than a year later, Anthony took his own life and my perception started to changed. Every year when I see that post pop up in my memories, I am reminded of how insensitive I was and how little I knew about this disease. I eventually learned through my own experience that it is a truly overwhelming and uncontrollable feeling and often, depression is silent. I didn’t even know he was depressed until after the fact. He suffered silently in plain sight.

As a teen I had attempted suicide several times. They were very weak attempts but attempts nonetheless. I would say they were truly attempts at ending the pain I was feeling. I assume this is all Anthony was doing. I just wanted to end the suffering. The feeling of being different, not good enough and circumstances that were not in my favor. I was put on medication after medication, locked away in psych wards, 51/50 a couple times, and intense forced therapy until I landed in a group home to rehabilitate. Of all that, one sentence stuck with me, but it is profound:

SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!

Life has not been the same for my family since he left us. I lost my brother, my friend, one of my soul connections here on earth. I lost the only person who will ever REALLY know me and the trauma I have experienced, because he experienced it with me. Him and I had this bond that is impossible to explain and I will never have that bond with anyone else. WE SURVIVED OUR CHILDHOOD TOGETHER! When a sibling dies, the bonds are shattered and the history forever has a void that cannot be filled. If you read the blog I posted on the passing of my dad, you know that we suffered greatly from my father’s abuse. Part of that story is knowing that Anthony took his life in my father’s living room. My dad had to watch his son bleed out and die while the paramedics tried to revive him. He would never get those images out of his head. Regretfully, In the beginning, I called it Karma I didn’t have much sympathy for my dad. After all the years of abuse, he got what he deserved and I blamed my dad because with suicide, it’s hard to blame the “victim” even though Anthony pulled the trigger. Because there had to be a reason he pulled it! But just like any other physical disease or cancer that people lose their life from, that is eventually where I had to lay my blame. Depression. Depression is a mental disease and without help, can lead to death. Some time after my brothers death, my dad spiraled into a deep depression himself which caused him to stop doing the things he loved, stop taking care of himself, and he used food as his therapy. He ate all his feelings away and eventually his life. He was only 59 when he passed! Suicide impacts all the people around you. My entire family is broken, and will never be the same.

I miss Anthony every single day. If you have lost someone to suicide, know that you are not alone. Don’t question their love for you. Don’t beat yourself up. You must use that energy to help others out there who are in your shoes or help those who are contemplating taking their life. Join groups on social media or in person, be vocal about your experience, blog, make videos, or volunteer with troubled teens or at behavioral health centers.  It is the only way to spread awareness, help others and at the same time, help you. We do this in the name of our loved ones lost. Helping others to see the light.

This article is only a snippet of the entire story, only a glimpse of how it feels, but it is a start. It is my goal to use my experience and help other Anthony’s out there. Or even help the Angela’s who have to continue life after their departure. If nobody else, than I am here for you.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please contact the suicide and crisis hotline at 1-800-273-TALK or txt 988 if you would rather chat with someone. PLEASE. I beg you to give it a chance. Ask any survivor of a suicide attempt. Those who made it through an attempt expressed immediate regret. Once they made it through, they were happy the attempt was unsuccessful. Remember, all feelings, circumstances and situations are temporary! I promise you. Remember, mind over matter. It is all how we view a situation. If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Repeat that sentence the next time you're feeling defeated and remind yourself that you’ve got this!